Parenting throws you a googly…

…every now and then, having you wonder about your choices and decisions. And for me these days, everything becomes a trigger to wonder if we made a mistake about relocating.

Not relocating actually, but probably having moved before husband got a job in India, adding to the confusion.

The last two days, daughter has been waking up – tired. She had been sleeping slightly later than her regular time, but I thought that she would be alright. Yesterday and the day before, she woke up – tired and weepy. That never happens. She is my sunshine girl, always bright in the morning, up with a bounce, cheerful and full of beans at 6 in the morning. The day before, she was a little less bright, but was fine by the time she went to school. She was her usual self when she returned. Yesterday, she woke up grumpy, despite having gone to bed on time. She claimed that she was tired. She did not seem unwell in any way. So I tried to cheer her up, acted goofy, tried everything – but nothing would bring a smile to my normally cheerful child.

I managed to get her ready and just before boarding the school bus, she burst into tears. I was taken aback. I asked her if she wanted to stay home – she never ever likes missing school. Not even when she is ill. Never in her life has she cried before going to school. She normally just waves me off, all excited about her day ahead. Yesterday, all she did was shake her head and look miserable. The teachers in her bus gave her hugs and told me that she would be fine.

As I walked home, all I could hope was that she would be alright. A hundred doubts ran through my mind. Was I too hard on her. Did she feel that she could not tell me what she was going through. Or worse, did I ignore some important message that she tried giving me. Was there something happening at school that made her miserable. Wracked by guilt and worries, wondering, questioning everything, going right back to the relocation issue. Should I have just sent her to an international school rather than the ‘middle class’ school that this one was. All sorts of worries and doubts. Finally, I made up my mind to go and see her at school at lunch time. Her school is quite nice in that sense. They had no problems with me dropping in to check on her.

Waiting for mid-day to come was another torture, but finally it was lunch time and I rushed into the school, and cast my eyes on the field. Where was daughter? Oh! There she was – cheerfully playing with a couple of her friends. I went up to her to surprise her. Was she excited! She came running, flinging her arms around me, at the same time, questioning me,’Amma, what are you doing here? This is school time!’. When I told her that I just wanted to check on her as she seemed upset in the morning, she says, ‘But I was just tired, I’m fine now’.

And that was it. All I could feel was relief washing over me. She was fine… I must have seemed like a mad, crazy parent, but those few hours really were torturous for me. Normally, I might not have worried so much, but with all the confusion that is our life right now, all I can try and do is be there for daughter, and that morning, I really felt that I had perhaps let her down.

Thankfully, she seems fine today. I got her in bed early and she woke her to her normal cheerful self.Nothing, absolutely nothing felt better than seeing her happy face in the morning, reading a book, while sipping her milk. All I can hope for is for her to have – sunny mornings all her life. And for this single parenting business to end soon. I so miss being able to talk to husband about these things. By the time it is his morning, the issues would get resolved.

Call it irrational fears or paranoia..

.. but I have my share(or may be even more than my share) of them…

– Every time I go to check my car’s tyre pressure, I have this fear that I will lose the little caps – whatever are they called. To add to my worries, the air and water dispenser is also near a self- car wash. So there are these vents on the ground for water to flow down. I always worry that one day, I would drop my car keys down that. Yes, I worry about this, every single time that I go there. Go on, call me crazy.

– I always jump to all the horrible case scenarios when daughter’s school calls, while she is still at school. Thankfully so far it has been for not-very-scary things. Last week, they called me two times to pick up daughter, because she threw up at lunch time. She has been perfectly fine after that. She has eaten the very same foods tons of times, before and since. So right now, I think she just threw up because she had been talking while eating.

– I feel extremely uncomfortable when I am without my phone. I go crazy, wondering if I should have husband’s numbers written down in my handbag – just in case you know. How, how did I survive in those days before mobile phones came into existence?

– The sight of police cars on the roads psyche me out. Emergency vehicles too. Just the sound of emergency vehicles are enough to scare me! I just hope and hope that they are nowhere near me. One night, I was returning from somewhere, and the road was almost completely blocked by police vehicles. It was then that I realized that most of us on the road were equally scared. We all slowed down, almost to a crawl, and as soon as the police vehicles were out of sight, started zooming again.

One of the things, I am not scared of is living by myself. For some reason,I love having the house to myself. That does not happen much these days. But I love it after daughter is in bed – total quiet, ‘me time’, when I can curl up with a book, or do things like ironing or ‘organizing’ my junk jewellery in my new jewellery ‘organizer’. I spent 2 hours one night on it 🙂

Husband adds that I have this irrational fear of people dropping in and finding out how messy it actually is 🙂

PS: I am yet to respond to comments on previous posts- last week was a whirlwind of activity – of the non-blogging kind 🙂