Living with Loss

Some things you want to believe will never happen to you. Like losing your mother.

It is something that I’ve come to realise never comes easy. No matter how old you are, no matter how aware you are, that it is imminent, it is something that you can never prepare yourself for. You can accept it, you do, because that’s the only way forward.. Because there is no other option. You go on, trying to move forward… But every now and again, it hits you. And hits you hard. You don’t know how to react. Sometimes it’s in the privacy of your home, sometimes, it’s when you least expect it, while walking down a busy street or in the middle of a meeting at work, where bursting into tears is not an option, even though that’s all you want to do. Every now and again you want to tell her something, share a joke, or ask her something only to remember that you can’t do that anymore.

We knew my mother would be taken from us soon, we knew that her condition came with a very grim prognosis. But when it happens, it’s still difficult to come to terms with. Nothing prepares you for it. So soon, such a young age. 60 is no age to be taken away. Of course, I would say the same for any age, but still.. Back home, right after she passed away, some of her school friends came visiting and I can’t tell you how that killed me internally, when I saw their young healthy faces.. Just reminded me of what my mother had been robbed off by a horrible rare disease. Just makes you so mad at fate. Why, why, why did she have to get this condition? But that’s life isn’t it? Nothing fair about it.

Death brings you face to face with reality, ugly reality sometimes, truly wonderful reality at other times. My mother’s passing, for me, showed me how much she was loved. Of course she was special to me, but then she was my mother, but when I saw the outpouring of grief and love from those around us, from those whose lives she had touched, that was when I saw how loved she was by family and friends. Her attitude, her magnanimity, her positivity (that deserves a post of its own) will stay with us forever.

Almost a month after her passing, I find myself trying to live life the way she would have wanted me to. To be brave, to accept what life deals us with, with a smile and a refusal to give into despondency.

That for me, is her legacy, that is what I want to remember her as, her smiling face, her refusal to drown in self pity, her strength is the face of her condition.

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27 thoughts on “Living with Loss

  1. I’am so sorry Smitha !! I can so relate to this post…. Give yourself lots of time…. I won’t dare say time heals all wounds but you definitely get better at dealing with the grief…. Just cry it out and don’t stop those tears !! It’s gonna be a long journey but I promise you’ll get there …. Sending you prayers and hugs !! Hang in there hon !!

  2. Oh .. my condolences ..so sorry to hear this.

    I can understand a bit of loss and especially when we are so far away from them. .

    Take care of yourself .. hugs and love your way take care

  3. I am so sorry for your loss, Smitha. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Big hugs to you. I dont know your mom personally, but reading about her here I am left teary eyed and feel very bad. Life is very cruel.

  4. I know it is not easy to ‘forget’ your own mother….even I am not able to do it at my age…suddenly I will remember her and a big lump comes and sits in the heart. Take care, Smitha! She will be with you always!

  5. Sorry. Some words from Eckhart Tolle’s Stillness Speaks:

    When a form that you had unconsciously identified with as part of yourself leaves you or dissolves, that can be extremely painful. It leaves a hole, so to speak, in the fabric of your existence.

    When this happens, don’t deny or ignore the pain or the sadness that you feel. Accept that it is there. Beware of your mind’s tendency to construct a story around that loss in which you are assigned the role of victim. Fear, anger, resentment, or self-pity are the emotions that go with that role. Then become aware of what lies behind those emotions as well as behind the mind-made story: that hole, that empty space. Can you face and accept that strange sense of emptiness? If you do, you may find that it is no longer a fearful place. You may be surprised to find peace emanating from it.

    Whenever death occurs, whenever a life form dissolves, God, the formless and unmanifested, shines through the opening left by the dissolving form. That is why the most sacred thing in life is death. That is why the peace of God can come to you through the contemplation and acceptance of death.

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