All you need is a son..

.. to enhance your position in your family…

Remember the baby shower I had mentioned some time back? One of the women had her baby. She had been told it was a girl, but the baby turned out to be a boy instead. She already has a daughter.

The woman’s mother was elated, apparently because now her daughter’s position in her family( read in-laws’ family) was cemented. Apparently they were worried because the in-laws never ‘accepted’ her completely( their’s was a love-marriage). Her mother was worried that they(the in-laws) might persuade her son-in-law to leave her daughter and marry someone else – just because she had two girls! Now that she had a son, all was nice and rosy.

I couldn’t believe my ears. This was from a woman whose daughter was independent, she is a doctor – totally capable of taking care of herself. And yet, the mother worried about her daughter ‘staying married’.

And equally important, isn’t it insulting for a man to be thought of having no mind of his own? Surely, a man who chose his wife, would stand up for his wife and his children? Surely, he can’t be brainwashed by such nonsense, especially when he is a medical doctor himself? Especially, when there was no reason to doubt his intentions. And if he were indeed the sort to turn his back to his wife and children, because she had 2 girls, is it worth staying in the marriage at all?

I don’t know what makes me more wild, the mother thinking like this, or other women, educated, well-aware, understanding her sentiments, because that is how society works! That having a son, does indeed, makes all the difference to their ‘position’.

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28 thoughts on “All you need is a son..

  1. Hope these insecurities change! I would say, what is a family without a daughter.. she brings in so much joy and laughter, not that sons don’t but still there is some special life when the home has a daughter! I’m fed up with so many people, who believe in age old practises… they are just not willing to accept that things have changed, and if changed they believe it is for the worse! Those in power, in some kind of position to counsel or make the change, including the educated, the uneducated, the reponsible! Some people just stick to some core, raw thoughts!! AAAAAAARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGH :X :X

  2. this is everywhere Smithu..every damn where…be it elite class or middle or low..every [MIL] one wants a BOY..sigh what would boys do special to your family that girls won’t? But this is how we think and not the ones who should be thinking like this 😦

    I also keep telling people it’s not the woman who is responsible for the gender of the baby but the man himself..it depends what does he donate to the baby making process-an X or a Y !! But only if we could make this theory understand all… 😦

    But in the above situation I think the mother is worried about the societal pressures that her daughter would go through-despite of being a well to do independent woman-if her marriage breaks up.After all we still live in a society where in once married a woman SHOULD remain married to the same husband and if she is not married then she HAS to get married no matter what !

    I don’t know if the husband of the daughter has to be blamed in this since I don’t see he bringing up this topic or even having any issues with having two daughters,ya?

    But society it is…society…and society is made up of people around us and we just can’t sideline them whatsoever ! sigh…

    • On the contrary, I would be elated that the first-born is a girl, she would learn to be more independent than her brother, the second born.

      I just hope that the grandmother’s attitude does not rub off on the children’s mother.

  3. Sometimes I think we.ve been brought up in some alien society… instances such as this one seem so far removed from us.. yet it’s strange that they are happening right around us.. among our acquaintances and even friends. It’s sad, really sad.

  4. And I used to think educated, financially well off people did not have this bias. Hah! Was I ever wrong!! 😐
    I fail to understand the joy that a son would bring, which a daughter cannot……!

  5. Society will never change, I think. When highly educated people behave like this, what will others do? Feel sorry for the girl for having a mother and in-laws of last century.

  6. Sigh. Things will never change, will they? I notice that no matter how much India progresses in terms of IT and infrastructure and even sexuality on telly, the same mentality re marriage, women and sons continues to exist.

  7. It is smitha having a son makes a lot of difference to these aunties.People show sympathy when they see a parent with two girl child,they say oh god should have given u a boy instead of a girl second time,ur family is not complete.I feel like slapping them.

    Still people tell me to go for a boy,as if they are sure that i willl have a boy and who are they to talk about my family…..

  8. Oh boy.. I am so late.. how did this happen πŸ™‚ I guess for once i was working he he hee

    hmm story of Indian society I guess, what to d o.. It is really true about this mentality .. yet we say we are so far advanced and we are so good blah blah blah .. makes me smile when people say that …

    God know when and how it will change and as you mentioned these people are educated ….

  9. I am facing a lot of crap by these so called educated, independent people and women at that. And because they are close, I am unable to withstand the shock. The day I can, I’ll write all about it.

    I have concluded that bias is deep-rooted and this kind of brain washing has no correlation with education or independence. There is one corner in the brain for education, one for progressive thinking just for yourself and one for regressive thinking for all others. All these corners are mutually exclusive. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we would be at peace.

    Smitha we think everybody ought to be treated the way we expect treatment for ourselves. Not all think like that. They say they got the privilege of being a woman, pursuing a career, making babies or not because they deserved it. Others don’t apparently.

  10. I don’t know what makes me more wild, the mother thinking like this, or other women, educated, well-aware, understanding her sentiments, because that is how society works! That having a son, does indeed, makes all the difference to their β€˜position’.

    …made me wild too when I read that it is the educated/sophiscated Indian mother (whether in India or abroad) who is ready to abort a female fetus.

    Why have they failed to love their own kind but are also quick to blame the Indian men/culture.

    Is it the Indian mother and not the father who craves for a boy child?

    http://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(11)60709-5/fulltext

  11. This is there everywhere! i always thought it was only present in India and that once they travel so much and see so much of the world, their views might change! But, that so isn’t the case, sadly!!
    Women need to start respecting themselves first!

  12. I would not have even believed this post if it hadnt happened to me..so basically now I should have a second child and should ensure its a boy! yaa right baby as if I can decide and ask God..bhagwan please mereko beta de do!!!!!

  13. You never know what that mother has seen /faced in her life to be thinking like that. In her generation there were lot of marriages which had troubles because of girl childs. And so anyone who faced something like that or witnessed like that wud worry abt her own kids.

    However , she might herself knew whatever you wrote , that she might just be oer reacting , that her daughter is a capable person , that the son in law is sensible and wont do anything like that ..but still as a mother she wud want that there never comes a situation like that.

  14. Pingback: Why do Nuclear Families face so much criticism? « The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

  15. Really sad. I hope the mother does not feel this way and raises the children as equals not just in educational qualification but also in their attitudes. The grandmother should know that some (many?) communities in India are worried because their sons are not able to find girls ready to marry them, mainly because the girls (says a son’s father) find these men too orthodox, and marry men outside their community πŸ™‚ This reminded me of another post you once wrote about how Indian men, settled abroad, want to marry women from back home, but the young women there don’t like orthodox men from ‘back home’.

    • ‘ I hope the mother does not feel this way and raises the children as equals not just in educational qualification but also in their attitudes.’ – I hope so too. Her husband is such a balanced person – it is sad that people even think of such things when the man involved is so very decent.

      As for men settled abroad wanting to marry someone from India – it is so very common 😦 They seem to believe that women from India will be nice and subservient, while a woman brought up abroad is more likely to have ‘attitude’ 😦

  16. you know up to 50 million girls are “missing” over the past century due to female infanticide and foeticide. that large number just shows how deep this thought is ingrained in the brains of Indians. but then change is taking place and will be visible after years.

  17. Hi Smitha,
    Actually this is heart-breaking to read such things still persist in our society 😦

    Regards,

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