Unwanted

I have been reading a book, nothing remarkable, quite boring to be honest, but something mentioned in it, had me thinking.

An unwanted child. I wonder how it feels to be an unwanted child? I wonder how a child who gets to know at a an early age, that she/he was not planned, not wanted. He was a mistake. Can you imagine what it must do to their confidence. How would such a person face the world?

Most of us grow up in loving, caring and nurturing environments, with parents who care for us, who love us unconditionally. Reading about this girl, who grew up knowing that she was not wanted, was a poor substitute for a brother who died in infancy, ignored by her dad, ill-treated by her mother, broke my heart. It must be such a cross to bear. The knowledge that your own parents did not want you and do not care about you.

I know several people who have had an unplanned child, but most of them fall in love with the child as soon as she/he is born. Β How many people can resist an innocent, new-born, helpless baby? But what about those parents who are unmoved by the miracle of birth? Who are unmoved by the delicate child in their arms?

What I fail to understand is how, even if somebody is supremely unhappy about having a child, could they convey that unhappiness to the child? Don’t they realize that they are scarring the child for life? That the child will crave approval and might be unhappy all his life because he believes that he is unworthy of love.. The feeling of being ‘unwanted’ will probably stick with them all their life.

When I read of such things, all I wish is, that somebody would gather that child in their arms and tell them that they are precious. That they have nothing to be ashamed of, that they are not to blame..

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29 thoughts on “Unwanted

    • And I think you HIT the nail on the head when you said, ‘.they are scarring the child for life……’ That is EXACTLY what such parents are doing.

  1. Crushing a young life under the burdens of self-guilt and wrong choices is totally unfair and unacceptable.

    I agree with Pal that you’ve brought out this hard-hitting fact of countless lives in a very sensitive way πŸ™‚

  2. OMG Smi! Even the thought leaves in cold sweat. Poor baby, I really wish i could hug the child, and indeed tell them how precious s/he is! Such people so don’t deserve to be parents!

  3. Very true…first of all when the parents have created a life together, they have no right to ill-treat a child…its such a tragedy not to be wanted by one’s own parents. BTW, what book was that ???

  4. I dunno what to say!!! The stage I am in ppl ask me what do I want a boy or a girl! I say I am ok with both πŸ™‚ then ppl ask how can u not have a choice! I tell them why shud I have a choice? I have known ppl who were expecting a specifoc gender & when that doesn’t happen they feel disappointed and may be the affection twrds the kid also gets affected!! And as u so how wud the kid feel when it knows that he/ she wasn’t wanted or expected!!

  5. sad na?
    I had a friend like that – she was unwanted and unloved…
    her parents favored their son more… she grew up to be insecure, extremely self-absorbed and quite selfish!

    She is a nice person though… we have lost touch now and I have no idea where she is now..

    And ironically, she is the one taking care of her parents and now, here mom is all – “What could we do without you?” types!

  6. I have always wondered – if a child is unwanted, or was unplanned, why can’t he be given up for adoption? I am sure that those who adopt will love the child more the biological parents.

    Quirky Indian

  7. ‘That the child will crave approval and might be unhappy all his life because he believes that he is unworthy of love’ – Such a sad situation that one isn’t it 😦 😦

    I know 😦 Infact a lot of children grow up to be very unhappy adults because of what they have gone through.

    Smiths, when I see small kids @ the signals carrying smaller ones and begging or selling things too, I feel so bad for them. They r hardly aware of what they r missing in life too .. the innocence, the joys 😦 Hw I wish we cud do something for all such kids 😦 😦

    I agree.. Breaks my heart when I see them.. Once I remember seeing a little girl, with a child who must have been 3 or 4 months old. That time Poohi was 2 months old, and I was almost in tears.. Here, my child, cosseted and loved, and that poor baby, was being used to rake in money. She had rags on her, flies flying around her.. I felt like grabbing the baby and taking her home ..

  8. The thought itself is so saddening and frustrating,na..imagine how insecure the child will be emotionally!

    I know. I really cannot fathom what a child like that must feel growing up. When your home is not a refuge, when your parents are not people you can depend on, you know..

  9. God!! That’s truly tragic and heart-wrenching!!
    No matter what the circumstances are present, letting a child know that he/she is not wanted…is a serious crime!

    I agree! And a crime that most people who do it, get away with!

  10. Smitha there r so many cases like this….sometimes I wonder why life is so unfair; there are so many childless couple who’d do anything have a child. And then there are these who have them and dont realise the value of what they hold.

    I know! Life is so unfair, isn’t it? People who deserve children go without, while undeserving people get children that they don’t deserve πŸ™‚

  11. “When I read of such things, all I wish is, that somebody would gather that child in their arms and tell them that they are precious. That they have nothing to be ashamed of, that they are not to blame..”

    That’s what I feel too Smitha.

    But I know parents do express a disappointment with their kids and quite openly. When they are two kids, sometimes one can sense a strong disapproval towards one, like wishing this one wasn’t there.

    That must be the worst! Knowing that a parent prefers one’s brother/sister. It must be such hell living in families like these.

    A teenaged maid (from Hubli, Karnataka) who worked for me told me her mother used to say she wished she only had one child, ‘my child’ (the son) and she told the five girls they were going to take away all her happiness and her life savings. (This, when all the girls were sent to work as domestic helpers at 8-9 years of ages, and whatever they earned was sent to the mother).

    That is so sad! Poor girls! Doing all this and yet being labelled like this and ill-treated..

  12. Maturity,or the lack of it, is independent of age you know.People are so engrossed in themselves that they forget the world around them. But life is funny, since there is no pattern to it.There are those kids who would get crushed by it…and those who will rise up to the occasion.Let us hope and pray that Lord blesses this world with more tough individuals and less mistake prone parents !

    Welcome here, Gyanban. Yes, you are right. Life has no pattern to it, some people do well, despite(or may be because of) all the hardship that life hands out, while others succumb to the pressure. But I still feel that it is sad that some children have to face this fate.

  13. My cousin is one such child, sadly. When she was 3, she was attacked by some sort of a fever that affected her brain and she became slightly challenged. And her misery began. Everybody started loving her ‘normal’ little sister more, and ill-treated her. Other cousins would not include her in playing(I was mocked at whenever I tried to explain her a game), parents beat her when she was slow in learning, didn’t spend so much on her clothes(as compared to the little sister) as they didn’t feel it would make any difference, in fact, I dont remember seeing them cuddle and kiss her ever!

    The poor thing! How cruel can people be! And children get their cues from the adults as well.. When they see that she is being treated badly by the adults, they will follow suit. It must be so sad for her..

    She was rather attached to my father as he was the only one who showed her the love she deserved… Now she’s grown up, but I have not seen her for many years, wonder how she’s doing…

    That is so nice, that she had your father to show her love.. I hope she is doing better.

  14. Seee, I missed reading this post !! Since I dont follow any particular reader, I really have an idea when you all are posting even !

    πŸ™‚ You are a genius πŸ™‚ I would never reach anywhere if it were not for my reader πŸ™‚

    I guess everyone above already commented on what I wanted to write. But even then to mark ‘my’ presence here :

    You should never read such books. It makes you think a lot, and that makes you blog which ultimately makes us comment like this ! πŸ˜€

    LOL! That is the solution, I should stop reading πŸ™‚ Did my husband put you up to say this, by any chance?
    Jokes apart, I cant say I know how it feels, because I really dont know. But I get hurt easily even with those regular dishum dishum from parents, and I can imagine how bad a person would feel if he/she is unwanted !

  15. Unwanted is a word that should never be associated with children.Many have them and then realize that it is a burden or they have made a mistake.I think what we need is people out there who counsel such parents and help them realize the importance of the child or take them and give them to couples who would kill for the child’s love :)very interesting post Smitha,got me thinking…

    Welcome here Deethi. True. but counseling and stuff does not reach every strata of society, esp in a country like ours..

  16. Unwanted or wanted, parents are to blame for how a child grows up, whatever they see, feel and witness are part of thier growth and a little negative on all those counts hampers their personalities. The prob is in many cases nobody will know, until a particular incident occurs or usually it is the spouse who notices the disorder (disorder is too harsh a word) still… and it’s too late by then, esp in a country like India where going to a Psychologist is considered equivalent to going mad!! 😦

    True. Going to a psychiatrist is considered a huge stigma. Everything in the environment will impact a child, negatively or positively, the impact is definitely there..

    Poor child… and how can parents have favs among their own children, their own blood!! 😦

    I can never understand that.

  17. All I know is the moment you know that a part of your love is growing inside you wanted or unwanted, you feel blessed and fall head over heels in love with the little angel.

    That is what I would assume! Which is why it makes me wonder how people can react this way to children!

  18. I see some kids and teens that were unwanted…generally it’s because the parents themselves have mental health problems. Post-natal depression in particular tends to have mothers withdrawing from their babies. Unfortunately, some of these kids end up having borderline personality and unhealthy relationships themselves in future given the withdrawn or abberrant relationships they had as a child… not neccessary a causal factor, but definitely a correlation. I currently have a client who has gone through the stuff some of us don’t have to ever encounter…and it just shocks me…. 😦

    That is so shocking. But I can understand that. There are so many people in unhealthy relationships and it would be very difficult for them to give out the signals to their children..

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