Beaten pink and black..

I do know that there are no free lunches – ever,  but it doesn’t stop my heart from skipping a beat in excitement when I saw a letter addressed to me with a stamp saying ‘Official Confirmation of award’.

See that envelope torn in a hurry? – that was how excited I was.  But then, it just takes a second to come back to earth with a thud. I was eligible for a award which would be at least £15, could be £50, £100 or even £1,500! All I needed to do was open a credit account with somebody. Yeah, right! As if it would be anything else. I was just grateful that some uncle of mine , in Nigeria, did not die and leave me a fortune. All my hopes of a special gift on the eve of Valentine’s day were dashed. Serves me right for thinking that Valentine’s day is something special.

As the season of love surrounds us, all sorts of offers come through the door. We got a ‘pizza lovers’ booklet of offers from Pizza Hut. If Pizza Hut was offering, could Domino’s be far away?  And then there pink coloured restaurant menus announcing special Valentine’s day menus, which caused Poohi to jump in delight. Everything pink is her’s by right. So before I could recycle them, Poohi appropriated them and hid them away – for future cutting up into shapes.

I had been out shopping yesterday and was glad that I went alone. Every bakery had pink cakes. Pink hearts decorated most shops. Love is most certainly in the air. Of course, Muthalik might not agree. Although that piece of news was greeted by most of us with glee.

I could never understand what it was about Valentine’s day that makes some people go so ballistic? It used to be Shiv Sena’s forte earlier, but seeing that they are busy elsewhere, helpful cousins of theirs are helping out every year these days. Funny, isn’t it, because  while reports confirm that the days after Navaratri, sees a boom in abortions, I have never read anything similar about Valentine’s day.  But that, I guess, is legitimate and part of our ‘culture’. Valentine’s day is an import so it is ‘right’ to beat up people, forcefully marry them off!  Women drinking in pubs is an import again, so they can be beaten up? Yeah, that is part of our culture – beating up people and intimidation.

Is it such a wonder that others decided to take matters into their hands and decided to blacken his face? I can just say that he got what he deserved – a taste of his own medicine- just a year late, probably.

Soaps and real life – is there any real difference?

This post has been selected for BlogAdda’s Tangy Tuesday Picks! Thank you so much, Blogadda, and IHM for tipping Delighted and honored!

We had been channel surfing the other day when we came across  a serial on Star Plus. It was just something we had switched on and we were not sure of the background, but they were showing a woman who was being ill-treated(mental abuse of sorts) by her in-laws. She appealed to her mother to let her come back home, the mother tells her that her place is at her in-laws place and not at her mother’s and that is where she should stay.

That I guess, is just what can be expected out of soaps in one of India’s most regressive channels. It shocked me far more, when I heard somebody I know here, talking about how her husband was the cherished offspring of his parents, as he is the only son. He does have sisters, mind you, but sisters is not the same, is it? . And now that they have a son, the grandson, the son’s son, was the most cherished grandson. All this was said with a sense of pride. What shocked me even more was this person was an well-educated, well-traveled person and yet, is so calm(and even a little proud)  in the acceptance of the importance of her son and husband by virtue of their gender.

It made me wonder if she would have been just as easily accepting if she had a daughter? Or is the conditioning so strong that she would not even have thought anything wrong if her daughter was not the ‘cherished grandchild’ of her grandparents – after all, as a girl, what more could she expect? It also made me wonder if the woman also felt that her position in her in-laws place was enhanced because she was the wife of the cherished son and the mother of the cherished grandson.

In another conversation, another well educated woman told me how sons of NRIs seem to be less spoilt – but the daughters all seem to turn out spoilt. She was very convinced about this. When asked why – she said that most boys brought up abroad seem to be fine with an arranged marriage with an Indian girl but the girls all seem to vehemently oppose the idea of an arranged marriage with a man from India. I was so stunned at this reasoning that for a minute I was not sure if she was serious! Of course, a man will be more acceptable to get married to an Indian girl. For them, an Indian girl would signify somebody more ‘traditional’ and more likely to ‘adjust’ – while for women – it would the exact opposite, wouldn’t it? They would be more likely to lose the freedom that they grew up in – so obviously, they would object. What stunned me was that people actually judged like this.

With well-educated parents thinking this way – is it a wonder that regressive soaps rule on our small screens?

Send me no roses

He always brought her flowers. Red roses.. as red as her bruises…

He was loving and tender.. as tender as her body felt….

The more she hurt, the bigger the bouquet, the more loving he got..

But today was the last.. she was free at last. Free from the roses, free from the tender loving care.. free from the sudden eruption of rage that left her hurt and bruised. She was now at peace, nobody could hurt her anymore.. This time, the roses were for her funeral.

 

October is the Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Domestic violence is one of the most widespread and the most under-estimated crimes. Domestic violence is just not between spouses. Domestic violence may also be perpetuated by members of the extended family. Domestic violence may also be against children. Domestic violence knows no barriers. It exists in every community, country, race, ethnic group , class of people, sexual orientation and gender. It could begin in any phase of a relationship.  It could happen to any of ‘us’ not ‘them’.

There is no excuse for domestic violence. Nobody ‘asks’ for abuse. It can not be justified. Once one slap is endured, it might just be a matter of time before it escalates to full-fledged regular abuse.

In India, the societal structures make it even more difficult to combat. After I had my daughter, I had a lady who used to come and massage me. She used to tell me about another person who she used to massage, who she was sure was a victim of abuse. Apparently the lady, just weeks after giving birth, had black and blue marks all over her. And at no point was she allowed to be alone with this lady – either her sister-in-law or her mother-in-law would sit by, while she massaged her. Apparently new bruises would appear every now and then. Hearing all this broke my heart.. Here I was being pampered by my parents, and there was another young mother, possibly younger than me, but being treated so badly.

In India, it becomes even more difficult to tackle as a lot of times, even the police refuse to intervene citing it to be a personal matter – between the spouses, to be resolved within the four walls of the house.

I remember another friend whose sister got married to a man settled abroad, who used to abuse her so much that she finally separated. It was terrible for her to live in a new country, with an abusive spouse. Thankfully for her, her parents and family stood by her. She was not sent back to her husband and told to adjust, to compromise…as happens with so many other young women. When reputation in the society and what ‘the neighbours think’ become more important that their daughter’s life.

Physical abuse is not the only thing that is part of domestic abuse. Although we tend talk about women mainly, because going by percentages, more women than men seem to be the victims of domestic abuse, domestic abuse can happen to anybody – irrespective of the gender. Mental abuse is just as part of domestic violence as physical abuse is. Keeping the woman from meeting her friends or family, keeping tab of what she does, checking her mail can all be classified under domestic violence, because of the effect of such activity on the victim. A lot of abusers are extremely gentle and nice in public making it difficult for others to even imagine that the abuser is capable of such atrocities.

Apparently, most people affected by domestic violence are often unaware of the resources available. Which is where campaigns like Bell Bajao become so important. A lot of women will not feel so helpless if they are aware that help is at hand. And a lot of abusers may think twice if they know that their victim can get help!

One of the biggest myths surrounding domestic violence is that a couple should stay together, despite the violence for the sake of the children. Children are NOT better off in an abusive environment. I remember reading about a girl who grew up in a family where her mother was periodically abused by her father. She grew up thinking that it was normal and ended up married to another abuser. It was much later that she realized that she could and did break the cycle. There are long-term effects that have been seen in children who grow up in an abusive environment such as loss of confidence, stress related illnesses, they could copy the behaviour to become either abusers or victims later in life, blame themselves for it. A happy and secure environment with a single parent is far  better than an abusive environment with both parents.

Some interesting links.

How to recognize abuse

Title inspired by a book by Jenny Tomlin called Send me no flowers, which tackled the subject of abuse and was one of the most brutal and shocking books that I read on the subject. It also brought home the different kinds of abuses that comes under the umbrella of domestic abuse.

 

Will the twain ever meet?

What is it about men and shopping? I can never understand why my husband hates shopping with such a vengeance.

For me, retail therapy is one of the most relaxing and fun experiences. It rests – right on the top – right after a spa experience For my husband, it is probably as relaxing as getting his legs waxed

I can spend hours window shopping… I can even do that in grocery supermarkets.. I am known to stand and admire all the pretty cakes in the bakery section, while my husband mutters behind me,’ Just select whatever you like and let’s get going! People are going to think that you have never seen cakes before!’ Which is why, whenever I am shopping alone, I make it a point to go to the food hall in places like Marks and Spencer and drool away It used to me more fun in London – I used to love the Selfridges food hall.. Yummy yummy yummy looking food!  Now I make do with boring old M&S – but even that is better than nothing

Shopping for me is pure bliss.. Looking at all the clothes on sale, trying on a few and then deciding not to pick it unless totally satisfied.. For husband it is more functional – enter a shop only if he has no other option. Buy new clothes only when he has run out of decent clothes to wear. Spend 2 seconds to decide and bill it – all done in under 10 minutes.. 10 minutes! Can you believe that? How can somebody do that! It’s just not done! He despairs when I reject clothes and move on to the next shop.. I am sure he sends up silent prayers that I get what I am looking for in the next shop.

There is so much to browse, after all, we should make an informed decision – so what if it is just a pair of skirt? Or jeans or accessories or shoes.. How can we decide without knowing what is on sale next door? By the end of a shopping trip – I glow with happiness and he is totally exhausted!

For him it is a list that can be reduced where possible.. For me, there is nothing like a list when it comes to shopping.. I believe in picking up if I like it – am sure we can find a use for it , for him it is, picking up only it we are in dire need of it.

A couple of weekends back, we went to York. It is a beautiful little town with a lot of historic places.. As it happens, it started raining when we reached there. So naturally, I suggested, why don’t we shop, it will be nice and dry inside a shop – only to get it back from husband – ‘We come all the way to York and all you can think of is shopping??’ Can you believe it? What’s wrong with shopping if it is raining outside? Surely it is better than getting wet in the rain?

The one place that makes him want to shop is when he sees some electronic shop. Once, I left him at a Bose shop and went about , did all my shopping(read browsing, trying on, rejecting/buying) in all possible shops only to find that husband was still engrossed in the magic of Bose.. Never seen him so excited in a shopping trip

Next time, I want happy, fuss free shopping, with no questions like, ‘Aur bhi kuch lena hai kya?’ or ‘Aur kitna time lagega’ every 2 minutes( as if shopping is such a precise science that I should be able to predict!) , I am leaving my husband with the staff in the Bose outlet to ‘hubby-sit’ while I enjoy shopping to the fullest

Or better still go shopping with a girl friend. So much better!

Breaking the cycle…

A family broke up a few days ago.

They were a middle class business family, until the husband’s business failed and the wife was forced to start a ‘tiffin business’ to help provide for her family. With her persistence and hard work, she managed to get things going, educate the children – a girl and a boy and even support her husband to start another business. Today, we heard that apparently the husband raised a hand at the wife , said some stuff and she raised alarm and got neighbours and relatives to chuck her husband out of the house.

Well, I am certainly not getting into the rights and wrongs of this – I do not know enough to make any kind of a judgement.  What really shocked me was that they were planning to get the daughter married of soon. She just competed her twelfth. 19 years old. Apparently they just want to finish off that ‘responsibility’.

It just makes me wonder  - will this cycle ever break? This particular mother wants to marry off the daughter – because she has some money now and can afford it. She is not sure if she will be able to afford it later. The logic is that anyways, they don’t expect her to be a ‘doctor/engineer’ so why waste money and time educating her? We are ready to sponsor her education, if that will persuade them to allow her to study a bit more. But from the look of it, it looks doubtful. It just makes me feel so helpless.

Another child married off – simply because that is a responsibility to be ‘completed’. I wonder if anybody thinks of her aspirations, her dreams.. And more practical matters like getting her equipped to deal with whatever, that comes her way.  Won’t an education open up her mind, give her a way of supporting herself if need be? There are so many things that can be done – diplomas, courses that can help her support her family..  If she is ever, god forbid, in the situation that her mother is today, won’t she be better off with a little education. If not anything else, I think it will make her at least more confident, more likely to able to  take the right decision, than a 19 yr old getting married off to the first man who comes her way.  And also, likely to get a far better match. But no, a better future is something that is important only for the son… for the daughter, the most important thing is to get married off, as quickly as possible..

After all, if we do not break the cycle – it will never break, will it? If this girl is married off now, it is more than likely that she will have little say in the choice of a husband. She might have little say in a lot of things in her future too.. And she might end up meting out the same treatment to her children as well…

I have been told, that I am just not understanding their condition. That is, it is best that the girl gets married off now..  I’m sorry but I just cannot comprehend it – will this cycle ever break? Why do so many of us accept this so calmly?  Does a parent’s responsibility towards a daughter end as soon as they marry her off? Am I being too ‘emotional’ in my reaction?

Crushed Dreams

As a little child, all she wanted was to go to school with her older brother, but she was sent to another school. Later she realised that it was the cheaper one.

As a ten yr old, she was told to come straight home from school and help out her mother.. while her brother got to play with his friends.

As a teenager, she was told to dream within ‘limits’. To just hope that she gets married quickly and does not remain a burden on her parents.

As a college going student, all she remembers is lots of people coming to ‘see’ her…

As a bride, all she remembers is her parents telling her to not let them down, to be a good bahu and not cause her in-laws any reason to complain..

As a wife, all she remembers is the violence, both mental and physical and not being able to even tell anybody.. she had no friends of her own, she had no money of her own.. her parents did not want trouble, her siblings did not want her to rock the boat… Did she have any choice but to go back to her marital home and live her life .. crushed dreams and all.. just the way she had been trained to do so from the time she was born..

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I keep wondering, what it is that makes it so difficult for women trapped in unhappy relationships. with or without domestic violence, to step out.

What makes them victims?

Why do they find it so difficult to walk out, even when they are educated and financially independent?

All I can blame is their upbringing.. the fact that they have never been allowed to speak up, that they have been drilled not to expect too much, that they have been told that once married off, that they cease to be their parent’s responsibility.. They have been told that their duty lies in their marital homes.. and that if they violate any of these ‘rules’, they can certainly not expect any support from any quarter.. This is her ‘fate’!

Even educated, independent women, find it difficult to stand up for themselves, for the fear that they will lose all ‘respect’ and support from society, forgetting the fact that they never had it in the first place..

It breaks my heart when I hear of accounts of women trapped in marriages like this..Read more at IHM’s and Gunmeen’s.  All I know, that I can do, is make sure that my daughter knows that she is never helpless, and she has to stand up against injustice and that we will always be there for her. She is never alone! If every parent did this – don’t you think it would make a difference, eventually.

Wish List for the next birth :)

Some time back, in my working avataar,  me and a colleague were stuck at work at 12:00 in the night and he said, ‘ These are the times that I wish I had a wife to go home to – who would keep dinner ready for me..’ and I replied, ‘Yeah, so do I’!

Well, husband and I have a pact that next ‘janam’, we are going to reverse genders – he is going to be the woman and I the man So that I get to laze around, have a complete monopoly over the remote and not do any cooking!!! 

Now that  Vimmuuu and Hitchy and Indyeah have all tagged me to come up with a list of women I would want to drool at – if I were a guy, here goes my list, on which hubby could probably model himself Prep guide for the next birth

1. Nigella Lawson – Doesn’t she give the word ‘Domestic Goddess’ another meaning? Wow!! to be married to someone who looks and cooks like that and a business woman to boot,  must be paradise, don’t you think Anyone who does not know Nigella Lawson – go check her  out And check out that sundae in the pic!! Isn’t that droolworthy??? And I have tried out her recipes – yummy!!!

2. Michelle Obama – Everything that I have read about her just makes admire her so.  She is brilliant at her job at the same time, doing a wonderful job bringing up her children. People have slated her for her lack of style.. but she remains a powerful woman who in her husband’s own words, if she ever ran for public office, would do far better than him… She seems to strike that perfect balance between work and life.  Her husband’s words in his book, ‘The Audacity of Hope’ just made my admiration of her grow..

 

3. Shobana. One of the most intelligent, talented and gorgeous actresses! She also an accomplished Bharatanatyam dancer. Here’s more about her. 

4. Sushmita Sen – Another thinking actress. I had found the fact that she adopted her daughter very very noble. Here’s the lady with her lovely daughter

5. Charlize Theron. I find her gorgeous and found her portrayal of the serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the movie, Monster, mind-blowing! She was completely transformed!

So there you go, that’s my drool-worthy list

 

PS: I can’t believe that I have actually spent my whole saturday in front of the laptop!!

Edited to add : Vimmuuu – I have sacrificed my whole saturday – to rescue you from where you are trapped